Sunday, January 31, 2010

Montag's New Look

I hate reality tv. Just getting that out there in the open right now. I've never watched "The Hills" but I have five working senses and live in the US so unfortunately, I know who Heidi and Spencer are.

In case you don't know, I'm about to make you feel my pain.

Evidence of Douche Baggery:

They are herpes legions on the cock of society.

But this post isn't just about my disgust for them. No. It's also aimed at me. Silly me for thinking these people couldn't possibly get any worse than they already are. I should really be ashamed.

I stumbled across this article while reading about airbrushed photo scandals in Hollywood and, well, I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now. It's a swirling mix of disgust, anger and sadness.


(Click the picture to see the "After" shot)

Okay. These are numbered as responses to the article. Just so you know. :)

11. She Says God Is On Her Side?!
Yes. I'm sure when you said your prayers at night asking God if it was alright to spend $30,000 asinine surgeries, he said "Well, sure Heidi! You go ahead and spend that copious amount on your frolic through the strange and terrifying lands of self mutilation in the name of beauty instead of, oh, I don't know, charity. Go right ahead."
I think she's taking Matthew 5:30 ("...and if thy right hand offends thee, cut it off") too seriously. Stick to The Cat In The Hat, Heidi. It's more your level.

10. There Is No Such Thing As "Sexy Ears", Heidi. STFU
Just because you now have your ears pinned to the sides of your head doesn't mean they're sexy. It means when we, the American public, finally drive you out of our society, you and your pinned ears, lipo'd thighs and Frankentitties can get a job at the circus because NO ONES EARS LOOK LIKE THAT!

09. Spencer Loves My Insides. But What Does He Know?!
She admits that her husband fell for her before all the surgeries started. I actually don't think I'm mad about this one. At least she didn't do it for him. All I'm saying is you were luck enough to find someone who loved you just the way you were naturally and you were willing to change for no discernible reason?!

Don't expect sympathy from me bitch, you did this to yourself.

07. YOU STUPID @%#$@&@#$@#%#$^#$%@#$@^$*&%^&$ YOU ARE SETTING US BACK THOUSANDS OF YEARS!
She now has DDD tits and wants to go even bigger. "They're better!" she told one mag. No, sweetie, they're not. They're just bigger. That's all. Good luck with all the back pain you just signed yourself up for. I hope your spine breaks. Bye!

06. I No Longer Wish To Live In This World. Get Me A Rocketship, Please.
"...statistics from the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery show that cosmetic-surgery procedures performed on those 18 and younger have nearly doubled over the past decade, while nearly 14 percent of Botox injections are given to those in the 19-to-34 age group."
That's some of the most disturbing shit I've ever heard. And I watch serial killer shows for fun! Does she even realize there are young, stupid girls who look up to her? What is this flippant attitude towards plastic surgery saying to them about their body image?

05. "This is the real me!"
Okay, sugar. Let me lay it down for you. A) No, no it's not. and B) You do not look like a "Norse Goddess". You look like a blond inflatable fuck doll.

04. I just want you to know, Miss Montag; I'd rather masturbate with a machete than end up like you.
"She's gone from naive to Playboy model to looking as if she just stepped out of the pages of Penthouse, yet even the surgically enhanced Heidi just can't get enough. "I just love boobs," she says. "They make me feel more womanly." But "womanly" by whose standards?"
Direct quote from the online article. Couldn't have said it better.

03. She Thinks It Will Help Her Career?!

02. You Didn't Lose A Glass Slipper--You Done Lost Your Mind!
This, dear Heidi, is not a Cinderella Story. You are not some fairytale princess and Spencer sure as hell isn't prince charming. You're just a silly little girl with low self esteem who, instead of embracing your imperfections & the things you didn't like about yourself, decided have yourself poked and prodded and cut and stitched into an almost unrecognizable, waxier version of you....or some other blond woman who looks almost exactly like you. I don't think Disney (even with his subversive attitudes towards entertainment) would have made a movie about that.

01. "Perfect" Doesn't Exist. Sorry To Have To Tell You.
Wait. No I'm not. The sooner you get that through your plastic head, the sooner this madness can stop. I don't really care about you, Heidi. You could die in a fire tomorrow and upon hearing the news I would shrug and go back to whatever it was I was doing. But I do have two little sisters. The nine year old is already talking about how she's "fat" and I don't like where this world is going in relation to body image. It's people like you who are not helping. Get the surgery if you feel you have to; just don't tell us it's the right thing to do and that it will make you happy.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

You Never See Them In The Same Room Together.....

The other day I was thinking up ideas to make a new post on. I was sipping coffee and smoking a cigarette and dreaming of being one of those lovely and alluring French women I see in movies and of course I got to thinking about fashion. When am I not, right?

But the idea occurred to me: Why not do a style comparison of my Female Fashion Icon (Lady Gaga) and her Male Fashion Counterpart (Noel Fielding of The Mighty Boosh).

As I was searching the webiverse for pictures of them both in all their sequin-encrusted and fabric-stretched glory, I started to notice certain parallels between them that could not go unnoticed. The more I looked, well, honestly, the more I laughed.

Could it be that Lady Gaga is Lance Dior? No. Of course not, that's too much to hope for and she's so original the mere thought of copying someone else's style would make her, well, it would make her vomit on herself in infinite loop:

Suck that, Jeffree Star!

But you have heard that old saying "Everything's been done before", yes? So it's only logical that when trying to be yourself and create something original, you're going to accidentally do something someone else has already done, even if it is in a slightly different way.

Antlers. I have no idea what Godga was going for here, but I do know that Noel's been rockin' those things since The Mighty Boosh were just The Boys In The Wood. This round goes to him.

Oh, the mirrorball suit! I don't know who I want to give this to. All I know is I want to stand under them both and dance the night away.

The only thing I love more than myself in Go Go Boots? Another attractive lady in Go Go Boots. And the only thing I love more than that? A man in Go Go Boots. Points go to Fielding, but only because of my massive fetish.

I've only seen Gaga rock this look once, but it immediately reminded me of nearly ever afterparty photo I've seen of Noel. Points go to Alice Cooper because he's been rockin' this look since both Noel and Gaga were zygotes.

Again, I don't know who to give points to. Sunflash is a newer character of Noel's and this is one of Gaga's newer visions.

Animal ears. Another crossroads for me. I DON'T KNOW WHO TO GIVE THE POINTS TO, PEOPLE!

Bin-bag chic. Points go to Gaga. Sorry Fieldmouse, you know I love you.

This last one is just for giggles.
They look like the same girl. It was too good to pass up! XD