In case you don't know, I'm about to make you feel my pain.
Evidence of Douche Baggery:
They are herpes legions on the cock of society.
But this post isn't just about my disgust for them. No. It's also aimed at me. Silly me for thinking these people couldn't possibly get any worse than they already are. I should really be ashamed.
I stumbled across this article while reading about airbrushed photo scandals in Hollywood and, well, I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now. It's a swirling mix of disgust, anger and sadness.
(Click the picture to see the "After" shot)
Okay. These are numbered as responses to the article. Just so you know. :)
11. She Says God Is On Her Side?!
Yes. I'm sure when you said your prayers at night asking God if it was alright to spend $30,000 asinine surgeries, he said "Well, sure Heidi! You go ahead and spend that copious amount on your frolic through the strange and terrifying lands of self mutilation in the name of beauty instead of, oh, I don't know, charity. Go right ahead."
I think she's taking Matthew 5:30 ("...and if thy right hand offends thee, cut it off") too seriously. Stick to The Cat In The Hat, Heidi. It's more your level.
10. There Is No Such Thing As "Sexy Ears", Heidi. STFU
Just because you now have your ears pinned to the sides of your head doesn't mean they're sexy. It means when we, the American public, finally drive you out of our society, you and your pinned ears, lipo'd thighs and Frankentitties can get a job at the circus because NO ONES EARS LOOK LIKE THAT!
09. Spencer Loves My Insides. But What Does He Know?!
She admits that her husband fell for her before all the surgeries started. I actually don't think I'm mad about this one. At least she didn't do it for him. All I'm saying is you were luck enough to find someone who loved you just the way you were naturally and you were willing to change for no discernible reason?!
08.You're In Pain? NO SHIT! THEY CUT INTO YOUR FLESH WITH A HOT KNIFE, STUPID!
Don't expect sympathy from me bitch, you did this to yourself.
07. YOU STUPID @%#$@&@#$@#%#$^#$%@#$@^$*&%^&$ YOU ARE SETTING US BACK THOUSANDS OF YEARS!
She now has DDD tits and wants to go even bigger. "They're better!" she told one mag. No, sweetie, they're not. They're just bigger. That's all. Good luck with all the back pain you just signed yourself up for. I hope your spine breaks. Bye!
06. I No Longer Wish To Live In This World. Get Me A Rocketship, Please.
"...statistics from the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery show that cosmetic-surgery procedures performed on those 18 and younger have nearly doubled over the past decade, while nearly 14 percent of Botox injections are given to those in the 19-to-34 age group."
That's some of the most disturbing shit I've ever heard. And I watch serial killer shows for fun! Does she even realize there are young, stupid girls who look up to her? What is this flippant attitude towards plastic surgery saying to them about their body image?
05. "This is the real me!"
Okay, sugar. Let me lay it down for you. A) No, no it's not. and B) You do not look like a "Norse Goddess". You look like a blond inflatable fuck doll.
04. I just want you to know, Miss Montag; I'd rather masturbate with a machete than end up like you.
"She's gone from naive to Playboy model to looking as if she just stepped out of the pages of Penthouse, yet even the surgically enhanced Heidi just can't get enough. "I just love boobs," she says. "They make me feel more womanly." But "womanly" by whose standards?"
Direct quote from the online article. Couldn't have said it better.
03. She Thinks It Will Help Her Career?!
BITCH YOU HAVE NO CAREER!
02. You Didn't Lose A Glass Slipper--You Done Lost Your Mind!
This, dear Heidi, is not a Cinderella Story. You are not some fairytale princess and Spencer sure as hell isn't prince charming. You're just a silly little girl with low self esteem who, instead of embracing your imperfections & the things you didn't like about yourself, decided have yourself poked and prodded and cut and stitched into an almost unrecognizable, waxier version of you....or some other blond woman who looks almost exactly like you. I don't think Disney (even with his subversive attitudes towards entertainment) would have made a movie about that.
01. "Perfect" Doesn't Exist. Sorry To Have To Tell You.
Wait. No I'm not. The sooner you get that through your plastic head, the sooner this madness can stop. I don't really care about you, Heidi. You could die in a fire tomorrow and upon hearing the news I would shrug and go back to whatever it was I was doing. But I do have two little sisters. The nine year old is already talking about how she's "fat" and I don't like where this world is going in relation to body image. It's people like you who are not helping. Get the surgery if you feel you have to; just don't tell us it's the right thing to do and that it will make you happy.
